Mohammed is…
A five time, five time, five time Gold Glover.
It’s your last night in Illinois before you return to Hawaii to hang out with your hot girlfriend (be patient Gleanne your poem is coming) on the beach how would you spend it?
If you’re my brother you would spend it with your brother and a couple friends arguing over what Biblical character would play shortstop for your Biblical baseball team. (Incidentally this poster reminds of the time I saw the bad guy from that movie naked. Not a pleasant experience but a hysterical story.)
That’s right we spent probably an hour and half to two hours arguing over the lineup for the ultimate baseball team. Most parts fell into line fairly quickly; here they are in their batting order:
First: John (2nd) – As in the Baptist. The man was quick to catch onto Jesus so he’ll be quick base runner.
Second: Jesus (CF) – obvious choice he could practically cover the whole outfield and at the bat he manufactures runs. That’s just what he does, saves souls and manufactures runs. He’s also, very predictably, a big sac fly guy.
Third: Moses (1st) — He aint fast but he’s big, solid and a leader in the clubhouse. He also swings a mighty bat.
Fourth: Goliath (DH, of course we are an American League team) – He’s lumbering and slow but arguably the strongest guy on the team and he’s capable of 50 dongs a year.
Fifth: Sampson (3rd) – The anti-Yankee’s we insisted the man does not cut his hair. As long as the locks are flowing the man is a supreme athlete and our unanimous choice for third. Our concern about his size and strength negatively impacting his quickness kept us from putting him at short.
Sixth: Pestilence (Catcher) — Nasty behind the plate. Intimidating and you aren’t running him over. Well you might, but if you do you will slowly waste away and die after the game. Not sure how he is at the plate but you figure one of the Four Horseman can wail.
Seventh: David (LF) – of David and Goliath. The man took down the giant from distance with a rock he can throw a no-hopper to first. Little dude though, not a lot of power to his bat.
Eighth: Joseph (RF) – Not sure why we decided to put him in right. Given his ability to predict the future he might have been better off as a coach but this is what we decided. Can’t imagine he has much of a bat either given his brothers managed to throw him down a well.
Ninth: We will get to him.
Utility Infielder: Daniel – The man could beat lions so there is nothing he can’t do. Yet he didn’t defeat them through violence so he probably doesn’t do anything too well.
Utility Player 2: Frank Christ – In there practically as a rider to Jesus’ contract, JC’s younger brother is a terrible bat but has a good enough glove to fill in in the outfield.
Manager: Solomon – Duh.
GM: Abraham – The Patriarch of all Christian and Jewish religions the man screams an Old Testament Steinbrenner.
PITCHING:
Our starting rotation:
1 Peter – Rock of our Church, Rock of our lineup
2 Joshua – Brought down the walls of Jericho and still can bring the heat
3 Isaac – Lefty and we needed a lefty in the lineup. (One of us arbitrarily designated him a lefty.)
4 Cain – Plays dirty, doesn’t always gets away with it but a scrapper
5 Lazarus – The old and wily veteran risen from a dead career for one last run at glory. He’s like Tom Berenger in Major League cept as a pitcher not a catcher.
Set up man: Jeremiah –No idea why we decided this
Closer: Judas – His loyalty is to the highest bidder but he is one hot, nasty, bad-assed closer.
As you can see defensively and rotation wise our team is stacked, well nigh undefeatable. But we had a gaping hole at Short. We argued about this forever. It wasn’t that we didn’t have ideas it was just that a few members of the group were vehemently opposed to EVERYONE.
We discussed moving someone (eg Jesus) but were too happy with the way the rest of the field sat. So the candidates named:
Lucifer, Michael the Archangel, the Ark of the Covenant, Mohammed and Ozzie Smith.
Lucifer was rejected almost as soon as he was suggested. Ozzie Smith was a popular choice and came close, but as amazing as he was he wasn’t divine so we reluctantly ruled him ineligible.
Which really left Michael, the Ark and Mohammed. I was the one who first suggested Mohammed. It was instantly rejected which led me to state with an emphatic sense of conviction, “But the man’s a FIVE TIME GOLD GLOVER”. I love making absolutely insane statements and insisting on their veracity. The group came back with the, admittedly legitimate, concern that he would be a locker room cancer. But I kept arguing that Solomon and Abraham would be smart enough to keep this touchy outsider productive and happy without disintegrating the locker room.
After awhile we moved away from Mohammed and Ian and I started pushing the Archangel but Max and the crowd objected. They thought the wings were unfair and when we offered to tie up his wings prior to games they expressed concern about his ability to cover the gap minus his wings. Ian and I and Danny thought they were all stupid but there was no changing their mind.
So Ian and I again threw our support behind another dark horse: the Ark. Ian thought this one up, cause if the Ark can melt a guy’s face (see Indiana Jones) it can turn a double play. I agreed and we were quite taken with the idea that when running the bases the Ark would actually be carried on a litter by two bearers which would give it an incredible edge for stealing bases since the front bearer could be halfway to second while the back bearer is still safe at first.
The crowd of course rejected it insisting on real people ignoring the inconsistency of then having Pestilence catching (cause he’s too nasty to remove) and Jesus’ quasi divinity. Which left us back where we started after two hours of debate so loud that the bartender referred to us as “the Jesus table”.
Ultimately my relentless recitation of Mohammed’s Gold Glove defensive prowess wore them down and we carried the day. That left us with an absolutely dirty line-up so we put Mohammed in the ninth spot figuring his bat is almost as awesome as his defense so in that spot figuring he’ll end up batting lead in some endings.
We also discussed Elijah as a scout, David Koresh as a young prospect in the minors and the Holy Spirit as this team’s steroid scandal.
Almost 75 years of parochial school between us and this is the most time any of us have voluntarily given religion. Praise God and get ready for the playoffs.
Best bar debate ive ever had. . . and certainly the most spirited
No Pestilence!! For the same reason the Ark was voted down. That’s just stupid but it is true heresy to discard Ossie Smith. He obviously is divine –you’re just too young to know how he could walk on air, change an RBI to an out, all the while presenting a saintly example of do unto others behavior. There is always some heathen who says, “If there would be parting of the waters type miracles, I’d believe.” Open your eyes to the miracle that is Ossie………..
Sr Victorine (UA classic) is dancing in her grave because you good catholic boys are having such in-depth theological debate…or maybe that seismic reaction is Sr Victorine digging her way out of the grave in which case, BEWARE of nuns whipping rosaries around (the first to feel her wrath will be he who splits his infinitive, a greater sin than blasphemy).
THANK YOU BARB. Pestilence is nasty, plus being the catcher, wouldnt have to move so I still like that one, but the Ark is covering the most important spot on the infield and its a stationary object, it just doesnt work for me. Thats why the Ark is the mascot