Dave is…
Competing with his roommate for column inches.
Of course I can’t compete with his eloquent yet succinct prose (seriously, column inches? Fucking column yards on this blog) but I can compete with him on stupid photos.
A few weeks ago I got a random message from a reporter at The Tampa Tribune. The Florida State Fair is coming up and he was working on getting a preview ready and happened to come across a pizza-on-a-stick picture on my Flickr page and wanted to know if they could use it.
I said no problem as long as they gave me credit and sent me a link to it. What I didn’t do was actually look at what picture he was referring to. I mean those photos were from three years ago back when I once made the mistake of following Bolt around as he tried to “get some dealz” from food vendors as they closed up shop for the night. The mope bugged about five or six stands for discounted food before finally finding the Pizza-on-a-Stick hut which gave him a twofer or something. Of course he didn’t actually need two so I ended up with one. It was ok, not spectacular, mainly dough. I took some pictures and then we went back to the beer tent.
I had assumed the picture he referred to was a nice shot of the hut at night. So it was a total shock when I opened the PDF of the page he sent me today to see a oversized picture of me gorging on the bastard offspring of Dominos and a corn dog.
How ridiculous do I look there? It’s amazing. As my brother pointed out, it’s made even more so by the fact that because my picture is a close up and noticeably larger than all the other pictures on the page my enormous freak head, “The Globe”, looks even larger. I’m like the Head that Ate Tampa. He of course finds this hysterical.
I on the other hand choose to view it as given the choice between me, Martha Stewart, Enrique Inglesias and Kim Kardashian the layout people wisely realized that I would be the one to draw the eye. Especially because this is running in the paper’s entertainment magazine supplement two days before the Super Bowl so untold thousands of additional readers down to attend the big game will be able to fixate on me theatrically stuffing my face.
As Josh said when I showed him the spread, “We’ve had some flattering photographs of us appear in the media lately.”
So if you happen to be in Tampa this Friday you really should grab a couple copies of The Tampa Tribune, my head looks even bigger in print.
David!! That is the most unflattering photo I’ve ever seen! The hair, the food, the nose, the eyebrows, the lip, the knuckles. Quite a week of hideous references — the poop blog (of course, I found it fascinating) & Pride & Prejudice & Zombies the book (I reserve judgement but admit to visualizing it as a Colin Firth movie) & now this! The kindest thing I can say is that really you don’t look like no middle-aged transgendered femalish — & your teeth look good. This photo explains why small children attack you at first glance, could this be how they see you?
…Congratulations, Josh, on your reveiw….
Damn Barb you are gonna give me a complex. Hair, food, nose, eyebrows, lip AND knuckles? And I thought my old man was harsh the way he used to mock my schnozz. I feel like my self-esteem just got saturation bombed.
Of course you then say my teeth look good so maybe there is just no accounting for taste. And hell, what price fame anyway.
The best news is that only the thousands of readers of your blog will ever know that that is you, it is unidentifiably hideous & you are not…..
boy dave, i would have never, ever compared you to woody allen, thank goodness… on several levels. but i have to say the pic throws you into the look-a-like running. congrats and lets end it there.