The Demands:
So before we get to a very interesting Day 2 of occupation let’s take a look at their list of demands, a list that is so scattered, random and haphazard that it only could have been crafted by writing every possible issue pretentious hipster out of touch with the real world could think of and then drawing thirteen out of a hat. Seriously, this shit is like PCU minus Jeremy Piven and intentional comedy.
#1 Full amnesty for all participants.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? What kind of revolutionaries are you? Way to be willing to go over the top, to sacrifice yourself for the cause. The revolutionaries in Gaza you will claim (see demand #9) to be standing in solidarity with strap bombs to their chest and you cant even wait till demand #2 to cover your own ass. Pathetic. Including this in your manifesto at all undermines your bargaining position by making you look weak much less leading with it which indicates you are only doing this till it stops being fun or you get distracted by news of a Yeah Yeah Yeahs reunion. If i were the administration this alone would have me pulling out the fire hoses.
#2 Full compensation for all employees whose jobs were disrupted by occupation
Nice enough thought, but certainly a minor one and should be thrown in at the end if included at all not given the number two spot behind please hammer don’t hurt me.
#3 Public release of NYU’s operating budget, expenses and sources of its funding
Alright finally a legit demand. Its long been a contentious issue at the university, it’s one that has at least as fair a chance as any of being actually achieved. And it is one that would most likely have strong support from the school body.
#4 Disclosure of NYU’s endowment holdings and investment plan.
Again, seems reasonable and achievable (Again, compared to the other demands. The likelihood of success of any demands always would be remote.)
#5 NYU agree to resume negotiations for a grad assistant union.
Dude if the GA strike two years ago didn’t get NYU to bend this won’t. Still it’s the third issue in a row that would get widespread support from the student community.
#6 NYU signs a contract guaranteeing fair labor practices for all its employees.
They are starting to reach with these last two. Still firmly on point for which I will give them credit but increasingly unlikely. But they are about to go all PCU (if you haven’t seen this movie, rent it, watch it. Minus Parliament Funkadelic it will give you a pretty good sense of the situation.)
#7 The establishment of a student elected Socially Responsible Finance Committee that will have full power to override all financial decisions of the school the Committee deems socially irresponsible, including investment decisions.
Read that. Are you fucking insane? What kind of coddled, out of touch idealist morons came up with that one? You are gonna ask the country’s largest private universities, the second or third largest landowner in New York City, a multi-billion dollar entity to give a group of elected students (as proved by TBNYU, silly immature and woefully naïve) in a notoriously apathetic and uninvolved student body veto power over the schools investment decisions???? Asking NYU to move its campus to Tulsa and teach all its courses in pig latin would get a more favorable response by administration. This kind of preposterous shit just undermines any chance of their other demands being taken seriously. But then who could take what follows seriously…
#8 That the first two act by this stupid ass committee (I’m paraphrasing) be an investigation into any investment in war profiteers and a reassessment of the repeal of NYU’s ban on Coca-Cola products.
Alright this is as perfectly NYU nonsense as anything these kids did all weekend. NYU kids are always angry about the abstract idea of the school investing in war profiteers (though this is defined very vaguely) and the ban on Coke products which was based on allegations of human rights abuses against unionizers in Guatemala a number of years ago and which was finally repealed a month ago has been a favorite of leftist groups on campus since I was a freshman. The problem is that the Coke ban was lifted via the democratic process. The various school student councils and representatives participated in the debate and vote on it. You know what’s democratic: occasionally not getting your way cause you were outvoted. You know what’s not democratic: occupying buildings cause you are a poor loser. Poor out a Coke for you defeated ideals and let it go.
#9 Demand NYU give thirteen scholarships to Palestinian students.
And now they veer wildly from just extravagant overreaching to where the fuck did that come from irrelevance. What does this have to do with anything? It doesn’t. It’s as fucking disconnected from the issues of the school as anything could possibly be. Now I never occupied any buildings or lived through the 60s but I’m pretty sure that a clear focus is the only chance a protest has, that’s why almost all the protests nowadays meet with such little success. So many people with pet causes jump on that the overall message is diluted into one PCU mess. And seriously if you want support from the NYU student community you absolutely, 100% cannot chose one of the most divisive issues in the world right now especially on a campus that’s something like 40% JEWISH! YOU STUPID BASTAAAAAAAAAARDS!
Whew, I’m ok now. I kinda felt like that scene in American Psycho when Christian Bale killed the guy with an ax. Try getting a reservation at Dorsea now.
#10 Demand the university donate all excess school supplies to the University of Gaza.
See everything I just said and add how the fuck do you define excess school supplies.
#11 Tuition stabilization for all students during their time at school and tuition increases for successive classes that don’t exceed the rate of inflation.
If you are so desperate to stabilize tuition giving away all school supply reserves seems counterproductive. And this, wild not remotely achievable, seems to be a pretty significant demand shouldn’t this be up near number one instead of your goddamn amnesty?
#12 Student groups get priority in reserving rooms in Kimmel
A totally reasonable demand. Maybe not one I’d think significant enough to warrant occupation of school buildings but reasonable, reasonably placed and probably the only one that if they had handled things differently they might actually have gotten.
#13 Give the general public access to Bobst Library
Alright so you are complaining about how much this school costs and then you just want to give access to one of the main advantages to its high prices to people who don’t pay a dime? In a city that has one of the best public library systems in the country? When it’s almost impossible to find a place to study during finals season already? Of all the insane and stupid demands this one was the one that seemed to most universally mystify the rest of the school. Even two weeks later I still have not heard even a theory as to where this demand came from. You shouldn’t have demands that mystify your base, not to mention that seemed to be absolutely 100% opposed by your base.
I found something out recently that even more incensed me about these protesters and their demands. That was the revelation that NYU has, in it’s very own (Weinstein) food court, the ONLY Chick-fil-A in the entire state of New York.
Let that sink in a bit everyone. Think back to your college days, did you have a Chick-fil-A in your food court? Fuck no. You know you didn’t, because if you had there is a pretty good chance you would still be there right now.
So honestly, fuck this list. If I attended NYU and they thought highly enough of me as a student to give me Chick-fil-A in the food court then they reserve the right to as much war profiteering as their fat fucking endowment can handle. What’s that NYU Board of Trustee’s? You want to invest in a Zionist conspiracy with a large petrochemical company and Coca Cola to make gasoline out of baby seals and Palestinian children.
Have at it! Pass the waffle fries and praise the Polynesian sauce, I’ll be at the food court if you need me.
i heard they were also going to require that nyu change the name of the school to “lollipop canyon” and replace the bus system with ponies.