With all that preceded it, it would seem impossible that the inevitable failed conclusion of the Kimmel Spring ooh or the Violet Revolution (only problem with playing off the Velvet Revolution is it had merit) could possibly be more ridiculous. But then that’s my fault for underestimating Fischer-Price’s “My First Occupation Play set”.
It began early, when NYU took the kid gloves off and struck back at TBNYU with the one thing guaranteed to cut them to their core: they disabled the power outlets in the occupied zone and cut the Kimmel wifi. Now NYU could have made them use their kitty-litter toilets, they could have given them nothing to eat cept raw hamburger or clubbed and roasted baby seals but nothing would have incapacitated them more with inarticulate unjustifiable fury than making their Macbooks useless. I guarantee you this prompted more outrage than all yesterday’s threats of expulsion.
How could they update their Facebook status? How could they recharge their cell phones to keep twittering? How could they rally their fellow activists’ spirits with the latest Animal Collective bootleg on their IPod? Clearly the end was nigh.
And it was. At noon, NYU agreed to meet their negotiators but seized them, served them with suspension papers and then NYU security breached the barricade and invaded the inner sanctum. The romantic in me, and certainly in the overly inflated sense of self occupiers, imagined something like the stirring climax of Les Miserables with students valiantly fighting to the last before dying beautifully, lyrically, draped across overturned desks and vegan food wrappers. But no, the end was just miserable.
And all on tape thanks to one of the many occupiers speaking for NYU who didn’t in fact GO TO THIS FUCKING SCHOOL. So Alex L. of Muhlenberg College of Allentown PA I salute you. In the middle of the dumbest aggregate action in my nine years of off and on association with NYU you managed to rise above its proud history of stupidity, to transcend to a new level of ridiculous.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you, for your endless entertainment, Alex’s video of the last ten minutes of the Violet Revolution. If this doesn’t win the Oscar for Best Documentary Short as the last word on poorly conceived self indulgent pretentious hipster delusion than I will revolt. I’ll probably occupy a study cubicle in the stacks of the Law library that’s where I am all the time anyway.
Anyhow, watch this video. I havent been able to figure out how to embed it, so I have linked it here and live blogged it below. [Editor's Note: The video is now embedded below ... Bet you didn't know this thing had an editor, did you? NB]
THE END OF THE VIOLET REVOLUTION
0:27: First genius statement of the video. “We would prefer if you release them. We are using democratic process here. I don’t know if you guys understand that.”
Couple points: Dude you have the blood of Che Gueverra flowing through your veins you don’t ask for the release of your comrades in a sniveling powerless voice you tell them to let them go or you’ll kill a hostage. Or at least shit on the carpet or something. And what the fuck does democratic process have to do with it. And why do they need to understand that. NYU isn’t a democracy it’s a fucking throwback to feudalism. Within its realm it’s all powerful. Fuck your democratic process. And if you really think Che, Lenin, Robespierre or even Vaclav Havel worried about getting unanimous consensus when the armies were at their gate you are beyond stupid.
0:41: Some dude in the background calls the NYU guys “dirty snakes” he continues to randomly call out insults throughout the video. I love this guy. I want him to have a spin off show where he just interjects random insults in the background of regular TV shows.
1:10: Suddenly they realize that making a mess in front of a doorway isn’t an effective way to barricade a door. They seem shocked SHOCKED at its failure.
1:22: I don’t know what I find more hysterical here, Alex’s plaintive tone like he’s the revolutionary equivalent of Charles Altas’ 90 lb weakling, his incessant use of “excuse me” a revolutionary battle cry if there ever was one, or the way he starts preemptively yelling “Brutality!” the second a security guy, clearly ignoring him, steps over the barricade.
1:40 Please continue to remind the calm and controlled security guards not to use force because they are on camera. If not for your video diligence they might have opened up on the crowd with Uzis. Don’t machine gun me bro.
1:49 “Can you please explain what you are doing?” Clearly they are ending this sad little charade. What the fuck do you think they are doing? Why not be useful and ask the guard how he grew that sweet mustache?
1:52: That background dude again, “Dirty fucking rats.” I love that guy.
2:01: Alex interrupts pathetic attempt at reasserting control to bond with one of the security goons over their mutual filming. The revolution will be televised. How post-modern.
2:22: “Do they have tasers?” PLEASE GOD LET THEM HAVE TASERS. God I’d give NYU an extra tuition check if they’d spend it on “devices of force” to use on idiots like these.
2:31: “Dirty scumbag fuck.” Alright I’d spare that guy devices of force, he’s just too awesome.
2:42: Angry but Civil. That’s too good a motto for them to have come up with on their own. Must have stolen it from the PLO.
2:58: Poor Alex, so overcome with emotion he is barely articulate. Explain the nature of the demand for everyone’s NYU ID? FUCK YOU how’s that for an explanation now gimme that fucking ID. The patience of this dude with the ballcap rivals Job’s.
3:11: “We have the right not to cooperate with you.” Uh Alex? #1 you don’t. You aren’t an NYU student. You are trespassing; your ass has the right to be arrested. That’s all YOU have. #2 The rest of you NYU mopes decided to go to a private university and agreed to its rules which includes the one that says you have to do what NYU tells you. So you have the right to get the fuck out or be expelled.
3:20 “Fucking rat” Damn, only three minutes in and my boy is getting repetitive.
3:40 Alex buddy, you can’t refuse to cooperate with NYU and then ask NYU to cooperate with you. That is not how life works. And it sure as shit isn’t how revolutions work. When they came to kill Che he looked his executioner in the eye and said, “Shoot coward, you are only going to kill a man.” He didn’t beg for time to consensus build.
3:56: “There is no cooperation. You guys need to leave.” THERE! In two sentences that security guard demonstrated a better grasp of reality than all these protestors did in the last 36 hours.
4:20 NO! BALLCAP! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BEING NICE TO THEM! Specially when Alex responds with another warning against brutality. DUDE, Ballcap just gave you something you in no way deserve and looks about as threatening as a paraplegic four year old, quit screaming brutality and be thankful I’m not in charge. I would have pepper sprayed the lot of you.
OK clearly at some point in their extensive education in revolutionary rhetoric, history and tactics these starry eyed freedom fighters missed the chapter on what constitutes brutality. Bludgeoned unnecessarily with batons, fire hoses, mauled by dogs, thrown to the ground and stomped on, shocked with electric cables, shot. That’s brutality. Having someone calmly and politely ask you to leave a space that you have no right to be in is not to the best of my knowledge brutality anywhere but in the fantasyland of hipster doofuses.
4:29-5:11: Alex is incoherent with panic as he attempts to rally an incredibly apathetic group to achieve consensus building in their allotted ten minutes. This forty second clip, succeeds, without ever using a complete sentence, in explaining why this whole situation was so pathetic.
5:24: The Dirty Snakes Dude Makes his first on camera appearance and continues to be the only voice of even quasi-intelligence in this group. Alex, Dirty Snake Dude is right. It’s over. Fuck your consensus.
5:38: Avert your eyes as the violence may shock and disturb you. Later when this girl exited Kimmel she told reporters she was thrown to the ground and hit by security as opposed to being politely asked to calm down while throwing a temper tantrum.
5:53: Ah we have it. The Muppet Babies’ Guide for Young Revolutionaries defines brutality as: “fucking touching me.” Seriously though if that was brutality than Captain Kangaroo was a fucking sadist cause he used to drop a whole bucket of ping-pong balls on people like twice an episode. I can’t imagine how bad those little white hollow plastic orbs must fuck you up if you are one of those people who think a security guard putting a hand on your shoulder is a human rights violation.
6:00: Way not to use people’s last names Alex. His family is probably gonna suffer reprisals now.
6:01-6:32: Surreally brilliant exchange between Alex and the dude he busted out the balcony where Alex tries to explain operating by consensus and the dude on the balcony responding through his megaphone. I feel like they stole this whole thing from a Kids in the Hall sketch. No wait I am thinking of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. “Come see the violence inherent in the system!”
7:08: Tired of yelling at Freddy, Alex says they are gonna decide without him. And thus the last ideal of this noble revolution was sacrificed.
7:28: Did he just make consensus a verb? I am pretty sure “consense” is not a word.
7:37 Alright new favorite moment of the video. Not only did he ask the guards to use “earmuffs” (an Old School reference) but one of the guards actually did it! Oh man how are these guards not dying laughing at these idiots? And how can TBNYU call NYU an oppressive regime when the guards will do earmuffs while you consense?!?! This is brilliant.
7:57: This brilliant cinema verite abruptly cuts off. Alex apparently decided not to record them consensing depriving the revolutionaries of 2087 of valuable lessons in what not to do.
Coda: The camera comes back on as Alex tapes an inventory of the weapons of revolution in case these really patient and polite forces of oppression decide to steal any of their stuff. Of course that assumes those forces wont just steal the digital camera he’s recording with but hey this is a guy who seems to think NYU security wants to steal “journal material stuff” and macbook power cables. Alex then makes a corporate water joke. Now if you read the comments on this video (and you should they are way more hysterical than anything I could come up with) you’ll see they really spend a lot of time on the contradiction between accusing NYU of drinking corporate water while the revolutionaries are lugging around a half dozen Macbooks and IPods. I have no problem with it. I find it unrealistic at this point in the video to expect these idiots to recognize the irony there.
–END SCENE–
The last stragglers were kicked off the balcony shortly thereafter and it was all over cept for the punishments and a week of campus debate. The punishments ultimately came down on Thursday, the final 18, all that were left when the Bastille was stormed, were suspended for a week which meant with time served they are all back in school by the time you read this. And as to the debate, well according to polls by NYU Local and the Washington Square News a resounding percentage of the school thought the Violet Revolution failed, and an equally resounding percentage of the school didn’t care about their failure cause they thought it was stupid in the first place.
For those of you who haven’t gotten enough coverage of the Violet Revolution:
• The live blog that started it all.
• The greatest ten minute video ever made. Be sure to read the comments where Alex responds to people making fun of them. My favorite snark: “Same damn thing happened to Max Robespierre when his IPhone battery went dead.”
• NYU Local recaps the whole thing
• The topless protest parasites (NSFW).
• Take Back NYU’s full list of demands
• A nuanced critique of the seven key errors TBNYU made
Vive la Revolucion!
…Not with a bang, but a whimper.
you are a cunt
When they make the movie, I hope the dirty snakes dude is played by the guy who played Johnny in “Airplane.”
Striped controller: Bad news. The fog’s getting thicker.
Johnny: [jumps to an overweight controller] And Leon is getting laaaaarrrrrger.
I douche